watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize