So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
