Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
