i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
