I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
