I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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