Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
