i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
