I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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