you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
