every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
