Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
