Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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