You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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