I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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