You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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