Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
