I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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