very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
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