Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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