I just threw up on my dentist
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize