If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
