As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
