Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real