If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.