nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
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I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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