Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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