I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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