well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
