He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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