my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I want to have your abortion
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
