did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
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I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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