i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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