I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
