Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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