I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
