I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
