My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
