its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I wish my penis had an off switch
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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