i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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