the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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