i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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