Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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