He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
