i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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