I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
