She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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