apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
