I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
