Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
