When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
