Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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