He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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