i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
