there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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