I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
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I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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