____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im six kinds of drunk right now
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Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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